Three Easy Steps To A Whole New CA

Let's face it, imaginary folks who read my blog, CA is in a pitiful place. We can't balance a budget. We have the highest foreclosure and the highest unemployment rates. Our education system blows. We're behind Iowa in progressive politics, and behind Brazil in green industry.
The truth is, the golden state is looking a little tarnished.
But fear not, for my genius brain has lit upon the solution. Here in this humble blog I will detail the three part plan to save my beloved CA.

Part 1: Let the state go green
Legalize pot. I know I'm not the first one to suggest this solution, but until someone takes us up on this offer, I hope I'm not the last either. During the Great Depression the goverment rescinded prohibition in an effort to bring in tax dollars. So, let's do the same for skunk weed. The truth that we all know, and that we've all known for years, is that mary jane isn't really bad for you. It's no worse than cigarettes or alcohol. Despite those ironic "Don't smoke marijuana" commercials that could have only been thought up by a pothead (talking dogs, giant joint coccoons) reefer doesn't really lead to car crashes, accidental homicides, and loserdom. Don't believe me? Just ask our last three Presidents.
Now please don't make the mistake in thinking I'm just suggesting this in self-interest. I'm about the squarest peg there is, heck I'd still be fine with prohibition, as long as they don't take Mama's diet soda. So legalizing ganja isn't going to do me any favors. Well, that's not entirely true. The money we'll make on taxing hash we'll do me and all Californians a world of good. Not to mention the money we'll save on those absurd commercials, and on prosecuting and imprisoning offenders. Another reality check here: our prisons are grossly overcrowded. So much so that they're letting violent offenders, like rapists and child molesters, out on bail more often simply because they don't have the room to keep them. Let's pull out our scale of justice shall we and weigh this choice, would you rather have a harmless stoner in jail or a sexual offender?
So, by simply legalizing bud we'll make a ton of money, save a bunch of money, and take a step towards fixing our broken prison system. Why you'd have to be high not to approve part 1.

Part 2: Let them eat cake.

Wedding cake that is. Let's legalize gay marriage. In my last post I've already expostulated on all the reasons why we should legalize gay marriage (it's fair, it's the law, it's the inevitable future) but here's one, it'll bring in a bunch of revenue! Instead of putting money towards lawsuits and propositions, if we all get together, we can save that money and get more from all the weddings, and not only from the wedding itself but from all the wedding gifts.
If you can't find it in your heart to legalize gay marriage because it's fair, because every person deserves the same civil rights, because we should live up to our national creed, because every person in this country is entitled to equal treatment, then at least find your inner capitalist and give gay people back their rights, for the money.
For a laugh on a subject that's not funny at all click this link:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c0cf508ff8/prop-8-the-musical-starring-jack-black-john-c-reilly-and-many-more-from-fod-team-jack-black-craig-robinson-john-c-reilly-and-rashida-jones
Plus, it emphasizes the point.

Part 3: Plastic Tax

This particularly brilliant idea struck me where so many of my inspirations do, while sitting on my wide rump watching tv. There was a commercial advertising vaginoplasty. Yes, it's what you think it is, and no, I have no idea who would think up such an idea. But I thought, in these economic times who is spending money on that?! Then I realized, some people are so stupid and so vain that even in the midst of a depression they'd spend thousand of dollars on sprucing up the ol' janer. My personal favorite cosmetic surgery is still Botox. I mean, you are literally paying some quack to inject botulism, a deadly virus, into your head for the express purpose of paralyzing nerves. How many people wanna bet that in about 5 to 10 years we'll see the first of the lawsuits with claimants exclaiming with dead faces, " How was I to know that injecting a deadly virus into my face could do any damage?!"
Now, I'm also of the libertarian slant, and I say if people want to destroy their face/body/cooch then that's their business, but why don't we tax it?! I mean, we tax all other luxuries (alcohol, cigarettes, fancy cars), but we wouldn't tax some ladies plastic fantastic bubbies (as my favorite Jersey housewives would say)? These are the kind of people who are rich, who are going to have the surgery regardless of the cost, so why not take the state's fair share. This is an especially brilliant plan for our state. We are the movie capital of the world, not to mention the porn capital, both of which mean we've got a lot of surgically "enhanced" folks.
Several states have attempted to levy this sort of tax, including New Jersey, Texas, Illinois, Arkansas, Washington, Tennessee, and New York, however none were passed. In 2008, according to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery there were over 10 million elective aesthetic plastic surgeries generating billions of dollars in revenue for plastic surgeons. Even a small tax on that could save the state from having to cut funding to schools, foster care, senior care, mental health, and other vital social services.

Now I know what you're saying already, "You liberals. *hawk, patooey* Always wantin' to spend money that ain't yours." Well, now that's a fair point, except for that 'liberal' and spitting part. I mean, really, are you from CA or Missoura? I think all politicians, Democrat or Republican, state or federal, need to learn that you don't spend what you don't have. It's a lesson I had to learn in my twenties that resulted in a pile of debt and my taking a scissors to my credit cards. We need to balance our budget, which means we don't over spend, and we don't rob Peter to pay Paul (translation for heathens: you don't mortgage the future to pay for the present). It's gonna hurt, but we need to do it. But right now, we are in such an economic crisis that we are reneging on our contracts and failing our citizens. So, much as I agree with the idea that you don't balance a budget by taxing more, right now, we kind of have to, and really the only tax that is being levied is on aesthetic plastic surgery. The other two parts are simply opening new markets.

So there you have it CA, salvation in three simple parts! I know, I know, I'm a genius, but please save the parade, we don't have the money, I'll settle for your votes in the next gubernatorial race.